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?Rela?tion?ships are the hard?est thing,? I said to a close friend as we sipped mugs of cof?fee on a rainy Port?land after?noon. ?I don?t think I?m very good at?them.?
?Who is?? replied my friend. ?Rela?tion?ships are hard for every?one. That?s why there is so much bro?ken?ness. We all strug?gle with rela?tion?ships to one degree or one another.?
My house can be a mess, my cup?boards dys?func?tional and the laun?dry heaped into a small moun?tain range. These things I can let go of and not fret too much. ?But in the realm of human rela?tion?ships, I ago?nize and worry and try to man?age the anx?i?ety of being con?nected to oth?ers as best I?can.
There are many things that make rela?tion?ships a tricky art for me. I want to talk about just three of them: ? Con?trol, change and acceptance.
Con?trol. I have had to learn the hard way (and am still learn?ing) that I can?not con?trol other human beings, try as I may. I can?not con?trol the think?ing, feel?ings or actions of oth?ers. I might influ?ence other peo?ple with my words and deeds, but ulti?mately, we each live in our skin alone and in our skin we decide how to respond to the world that swirls around us.I don?t like this. It cre?ates ten?sion and unpre?dictabil?ity. ?I want to con?trol how oth?ers feel, how they feel about me and how they per?ceive me. On more than one occa?sion in my life have I been per?ceived inac?cu?rately and it felt unfair, even unde?served. But I can?not con?trol how oth?ers inter?pret me any?more than I can con?trol the weather. Not every?one will get me. ??Some?times I am misunderstood.
Change. Peo?ple come and go in my life. Friends change as some move away and new ones move in. Some friend?ships fiz?zle out for no appar?ent rea?son. Some peo?ple move away emo?tion?ally and make it clear that the friend?ship is chang?ing to acquain?tance. It can be bewil?der?ing. Even fam?ily rela?tion?ships change with the sea?sons of life. I?m reflec?tive of this right now as our first-??born is about to grad?u?ate from high school in two weeks. She will move out in the fall and already I miss her. I don?t want her to leave. ?Can?t we slow down change for another year or two?or three or twenty? ?The only that stays the same is change, as the say?ing goes. It adds to the clum?si?ness I pos?sess in chang?ing with the dynamic of the rela?tion?ships around me.
Accep?tance. ?Accept?ing that I don?t have con?trol and that change will inevitably hap?pen is not always easy. Anx?i?ety grips my belly and fogs my think?ing. My emo?tions get tan?gled up and I don?t know what I can trust in my per?cep?tions. Is that friend?ship really dwin?dling or just on a hia?tus? ?Do I still need to remind my daugh?ter of her oblig?a?tions or am I hov?er?ing? ?Accept?ing that I don?t have con?trol and that change will hap?pen with or with?out my per?mis?sion is a big learn?ing curve for me. I want to con?trol the sit?u?a?tion, the friend?ships and rela?tion?ships that inter?sect with my life. I have to be mind?ful to accept what is beyond my reach. The Seren?ity Prayer is prayed often in my angst-??drenched scope of human relationships.
God, grant me the seren?ity to accept the things I can?not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wis?dom to know the difference.
The older I get the more I real?ize how much I need to loosen my grip on expec?ta?tions. Expect?ing oth?ers to like me or accept me is a sure?fire way to kick up the dust of inse?cu?rity. Self-??acceptance is what is key, I?ve come to real?ize. Being com?fort?able with who I am and how I am wired. Not every?one will appre?ci?ate the fas?ci?nat?ing woman I am becom?ing. ?At times I irri?tate oth?ers and some?times I out?right piss some?body off. Can?t we all just get along? could be my tagline. But such is life. Con?trol. Change. Accep?tance. I am learn?ing the art of rela?tion?ships through this grid. I look for?ward with a bit of trep?i?da?tion that it will always be a bit of an uneasy task for me, yet the joy of true friend?ships and last?ing rela?tion?ships far out?lasts the momen?tary dis?tress of being over?looked or dismissed.
How are rela?tion?ships for you? What insights do you have for nav?i?gat?ing the chang?ing, uncon?trol?lable waters of friend?ships and relationships?
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