My partner cheated. Now what? You are likely feeling the pain of betrayal, a wounded ego, and immense heartache, longing for those special moments you used to share with your partner. Is it possible to put this relationship back together? You wonder, you hope, you play an infinite game of twister in your mind thinking of how you could possibly be together again. With so many intense feelings swirling about and dominating your consciousness throughout the day, stop, think, and consider:
Is this relationship good for me? ?
Carefully ask yourself and evaluate: Were you being treated with the care and respect you deserve throughout the relationship? In getting back together, might you be settling for less than acceptable treatment in order to stave off that awful feeling of abandonment? Did you bring out the best in each other most of the time? Did you like and respect yourself more or less when you were together? ?Did you feel perpetually disappointed and let down by your partner? Were trust and honesty an issue in the relationship before the affair?
Be honest with yourself in this evaluation. ?Heartbreak is one of THE hardest feelings to deal with, and it can be tempting to stay in a less than healthy, nurturing relationship to avoid going through a break up. ?However, if the relationship genuinely felt nurturing and supportive, read on?
Do we share a solid enough foundation to build on?
Take some time and identify the strengths of your relationship. ?What you do best together? How have you worked together as a team? ?In what ways have you overcome past challenges or adversity? How well can you talk openly about feelings and concerns? The ability to mend this relationship after an affair requires that your relationship had developed significant strength, mutual respect, integrity, commitment to each other?s best interests, communication, and connection to build upon.
What is your partner?s history of faithfulness in all relationships? ?
If you are aware that your partner has cheated several times in the past with you or past relationships, cheating could be a pattern for them that is not likely to change any time soon. ?It is certainly possible, but requires their own desire, intention, and commitment to make changes and understand the core issues that lead them to this behavior.
If this was an isolated incident, it becomes more important to understand the nature and context in which it occurred. ?Cheating could be seen as a symptom, a barometer, of something else problematic going on in the relationship, much like a fever signifies an infection in the body. It is certainly not excusable, but it does beg the question of what other issues are not being addressed that may have made the relationship susceptible to infidelity.
Or it could have very little to do with you at all. Was there an unresolved relationship between your partner and the affair partner? In either case, an understanding of the affair is helpful in the healing process, whether it is to repair this relationship or begin a new one.
How has your partner responded to you around the cheating?
Is your ex-partner acting defensively, self-righteous, or blaming you about the affair? If so, this is not a good sign of relationship repair potential. ?On the other hand, is your partner apologetic, ?owning? and accepting responsibility for their hurtful actions? Is your partner willing to talk openly with you about the situation? Does your partner let you know in both words and actions their desire to make amends and offer solutions for rebuilding trust?
Are you willing to trust again?
As fearful as you may be of an affair happening again, if you choose to remain in a relationship with this partner, then you need to give that person the opportunity to demonstrate their commitment to you. ?Together, talk and create a list of reasonable, healthy actions that your partner can do and/or abstain from which will foster the rebuilding of trust, transparency, and connection needed in the relationship. ?See what happens.
Do your best to let go of the drive to control the situation and give them the opportunity to be trustworthy. ?The rebuilding of trust will not work if you do not allow them some space to do so, akin to opening the door of the birdcage. If your partner strays again or does not come back, then you know for sure it is not meant to be.
Your body knows.
Imagine for a moment that you and your beloved are back together again, knowing what you know now. Allow your eyes to close and scan your body head to toe, noticing without judgment, what sensations you feel in each area of your body. ?Pay particular attention to any feelings in your groin, stomach, solar plexus, heart, lungs, throat, shoulders, neck, head as well as any images that seem to pop in your head.
Note any areas of tightness, nausea, lumpy feelings, or relaxation and ease. Now image that you are deciding that you are letting go of this relationship with this partner, who has let you down. ?Again scan your body, and notice the sensations you experience, how you feel, any shifts or changes. ??Take these feelings into consideration when making your decision.
Get into therapy.?
If your partner is receptive and willing to go to therapy together to work through the aftermath of the affair and attempt to rebuild this relationship, this is a healthy step and indicator of commitment. Having a neutral third party experienced in mediating the charged feelings and differing perspectives you each bring forward can make a significant difference in the healing process.
Therapy can help you to express your feelings and be heard, and increase understanding. ?It also can help by asking the right questions to sort out if this relationship has potential to be saved or is not going to work out.
Otherwise, I advocate getting in to individual therapy for support through this difficult time, working through and sorting out these feelings, and evaluating the potential of your relationship with another?s perspective. Therapy can be a great opportunity to understand your relationship patterns so that similar situations are not repeated time and time again.
Infidelity causes tremendous heartbreak. And yet, as with any terrible experience, can provide us another opportunity to grow and learn about ourselves, and make future relationships, (possibly even with the same person), richer and stronger.
About the author
Angela DeVita is a licensed Marriage, Family, Therapist and registered Art Therapist, practicing in both Sherman Oaks and Ventura, CA. ?She enjoys working with a wide variety of clientele using creative, depth psychological, and embodied approaches. She is a PhD candidate at Pacifica Graduate in the dissertation phase.
To know more about Angela, visit her website, www.angeladevitatherapy.com.
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Source: http://infidelityinfo.com/should-i-get-back-with-my-ex-after-an-affair/
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